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The "What if" Anxiety

I feel as though this post may not contain as much cynical sarcasm as usual; brace yourselves. In all honesty this is probably the most personal blog I've written yet, hopefully it goes down well. I think today if you were to say you have anxiety it would be like saying you're a human; it's everywhere. Many people in my family have it and I feel riddled with it, that reminds me of ticks; it seemed like an appropriate description. I am fortunate enough to have family members who get it and listen and I'm also lucky that I do have a handle on it; most of the time.

Unfortunately these past two weeks I've been struggling and to tell you the truth I am not embarrassed about it, more like frustrated. These past few weeks have been emotionally overwhelming for me; I don't deal with change well and I am quite an emotional person in general. Usually, my anxiety surrounds areas of my life that I have no control over and my thoughts just build on top of each other like blocks. I either cry about it or force myself into a different perspective. I haven't been able to force myself much recently. The other day on the bus all I can remember is my sweaty palms and tears like pellets that don't even touch your cheeks (the ones that just leap straight out your eye sockets and land on your shirt). It was unexpected and annoying that I started my day that way, but it is what it is. I've noticed that it's started to come up in new forms, like obsessiveness. Today as I am writing this I have a sick feeling in my stomach because I genuinely can't remember if I locked my front door. I remember holding my keys outside the door and I probably did, but because I am not sure, I will spend most of my day worrying about whether or not I have. This is probably the fifth time in the past 3 weeks that I've encountered this particular issue. I would lock my bedroom door, lock the front door, get to the lift and then when I was about to get into the lift, I'd pause; worry that I haven't locked my bedroom door properly. Turn back, open the front door again and shake my bedroom door handle multiple times to make sure it was locked and go out again. I have no idea why it's come along in this form of obsessive door locking; maybe it has something to do with me being in control. In reality I have been feeling overpowered by many aspects of my life; as I told my mam, I sometimes feel like I am not progressing in my life and that I don't know my purpose right now. I am the type of person who likes to know what I'll be doing on the 23rd of January 2023, but that's not life, is it? So it's something I deal with. I apologize that this isn't a constructive piece about how to cope with and handle anxiety, as you have read I am definitely not an expert. I do however recommend therapy and coaching, especially from: #christineclark #mindtransformation she owns Mind Transformation in Newcastle, England. She's amazing and levels me whenever I have a session with her. Even if you're not in England do check her page out on facebook and get in touch: Mind Transformation. I am not really looking for a response from this I suppose. I think writing this was a release from me, not a cure, but enough to put me more at ease. It's just life, isn't it? We are told to know our plan and what's happening next in our journey and life plan; but then life has another thing planned and things go left, right, upside down and all. I'm still trying and learning.

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